my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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