I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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