i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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