oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
