The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
the liver wants what the liver wants
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Randomize
