My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
