he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
