Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
