Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
