Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
