thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
