I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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