I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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