So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
