I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
two words...techno handjob
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
