Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
