My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
