Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she told me i tasted like america
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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