She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
