go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
