Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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