Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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