I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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