My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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