I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
