I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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