so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
