He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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