Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We left the knife in your bed.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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