Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
