i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
