Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
