I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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