Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
