I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
