Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
