My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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