the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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