you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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