Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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