Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
