It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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