There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
