so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
