My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
