She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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