i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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