good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
