You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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