just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
