She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
