Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When did angry sex become our thing?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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