i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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