when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She even gives head with a lisp.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My liver just had a heart attack.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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