Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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