People in love make me want to vomit
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
