im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I AM VODKA MAN
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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