I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
