the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
