Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
