Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
