im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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