whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
