You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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