you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
